So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
