sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
