just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
