dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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