can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
