life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
