I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize