I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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