Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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