Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The best revenge is premature balding
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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