forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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