I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She's not a foreskin expert like you
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
