Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
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