Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
