I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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