sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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