just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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