sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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