I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
