i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Randomize