Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i love accidental penises.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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