I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I am in a vortex of obligation.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Randomize
