I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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