Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
