My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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