I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize