Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
