I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
