God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm getting married
To pizza
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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