1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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