I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
