May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
