He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
