you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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