I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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