I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
