You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
