We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
