dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
