I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
