What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I think my moral compass just broke
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
