Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize