You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
