i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
