I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
