Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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