this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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