Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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