I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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