there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
