I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
