nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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