woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I have tasted many bathrooms
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
