evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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