you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Randomize
