the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
