I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
