Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
