this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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